A view from the box

Words haunt me……

I mentioned on Twitter today that I’d discovered a box of containing bits & pieces of things I’d written many, many moons ago and that I’d share some of them with you all - for your amusement.

Some of the pieces of paper are faded, torn & very fragile, dating back to the 1970s.  This really is a box of wonders for me and I’m thoroughly enjoying the memories and the giggles though I have been asking myself “What was I thinking?”  

Anyway, before I bury myself back into my past here are just a few of the things I’ve discovered.  Feel free to ask me what I was thinking.  I probably won’t know but it’s worth a shot.  Oh, and please be gentle with this young girls thoughts………

Emotional Baggage

A holdall. A rucksack. A suitcase. A trunk.

Packaged within packages

All neatly folded and colour coded

The blues and the blacks

The greys and the browns

Hidden in the depths

So far down and out of reach

Slowly festering in mental mothballs

Never taken out, never used again

But always there weighting down the bottom.

At this point I really should say that I don’t think I ever was much one for structure.  Stanzas schmanzas.  With that, here we have one of my first uses of the term Girl in a box.

Girl In A Box

Do you remember what I told you?

That you should put me in a box

Close down the lid and pack me away at the back of your mind.

I wonder if you did that.

Am I in there somewhere now.

Getting more and more dusty with each day that passes.

Did you even try?

Only to find that I won’t be packed away

That every time you pushed down on the lid

I just kept right on pushing back at you.

Did I stamp my feet, hold my ground

And tell you that I just won’t go.

Or did you dismiss what I said?

Choose to ignore it.

Knowing that deep down, at the heart of it all,

I never really wanted to be

A girl in a box.

A wrong turn

I don’t know why it happened.

One day I was gently gliding

Drifting along the safe, sure path of my life

And then you hit me

Like a tornado

Beating down my doors to get to the girl I’d kept locked away, hidden inside

Picking me up

Turning me around

Shaking her out

And somewhere along the way, when you were spinning me

I took a wrong turn

I should’ve put up higher defences

Held my breath until you’d passed me by

Then carried on down the safe, sure path of my life

But I didn’t and you hit me

Like a tidal wave

Crashing through my doors

Washing out the girl who’d been kept locked away, hidden inside

Picking me up

Turning me around

Flushing her out

And somewhere along the way, when you were spinning me

I took a wrong turn

You made me lose my direction

Put me down on a new, unfamiliar path.

And I don’t know if I can find my way back

I don’t know if I really want to.

This last one doesn’t have a title. Maybe I’ll get around to giving it one someday.

 I know a girl who asks too much.

Searches out answers to questions which have no real purpose.

And I wondered if he knew that these were a diversion

From the one question she really wanted to ask

“Could you…..?”

“Would you….?”

“Will you……..?”

“…………tell me goodbye and please just let me go”

 So, there you have it, a little delve into the mind of my younger self though I think I’ll save the 70s stuff for another day.

Skin Deep - When is a mole not a mole?

Do you sunbathe?  Come on, admit it, I bet you do don’t you.  Even if you say you do it in a healthy way I bet you sometimes forget the suncream or risk it.  Me, I’m a factor asbestos girl.  I like to feel the sun on my skin but I don’t wear anything less than a Factor 50.  I still get a nice bronze glow but I don’t turn myself into a flaking tomato to get it.

I grew up by the sea and spent my childhood summers on the beach barely using any sun screen at all.  My skin was always a golden brown and I never, ever, got sunburn.  I was incredibly lucky.  I inherited the dark hair, dark eyes, dark skin family gene, with the odd freckle thrown in for good measure.  My brother, on the other hand, could never go out in the sun.  He got the blue eyes, red hair, pale, easy to burn gene.  Summer was my heaven but it was his hell.

When I turned 16 I stopped sunbathing for no other reason than it bored me senseless.  Whilst my friends spent hours cooking themselves in oil I sat in the shade and read a book or swam, for hours, in the sea.  Over the years my skin got paler and, eventually, I couldn’t go out in the sun without using a high factor protection because, like my brother, I would burn horribly.

Around ten years ago my brother developed a small scaly patch on the back of his neck.  His Doctor assumed it was some form on psoriasis or eczema and gave him a steroid cream to use.  This small patch grew.  First to the size of a two pence piece and then a 50 pence piece and it continued to grow.  It didn’t matter which cream the Doctor gave him it just seemed to expand more and more, month by month.

By chance he was seen by a different GP who immediately sent him down to the hospital to have a skin sample taken and we all assumed that he would be given yet another cream or a pill to take to get it under control.

We never expected to hear the news that he had skin cancer.  I mean, it didn’t look like a mole so why would we think it could be cancer?  But not all skin cancers are like moles.  Paul, my brother, had a squamous cell tumor.  He was taken into hospital incredibly quickly after that and the tumor removed.  It was such a large area, by then, that they had to take a skin graft from his leg and he now has a scar that runs from just below his right ear, horizontally across to the centre of his neck, below the hair line, and vertically down to the top of his shoulders in an L shape.  It’s a massive scar and the operation was very unpleasant but it was 100% successful and he is cancer free.

Since then he’s had to have a couple of other moles removed too but, touch wood, nothing as serious as that one was.

Six years ago I also had three moles removed.  One from my neck (benign thankfully) one from the base of my back and one from underneath my left breast.  Both were cancerous, deep rooted and unpleasant to have removed but you wouldn’t see the scars unless I pointed them out to you.  I had such a wonderful Doctor who I can’t thank enough.

I may have stopped sunbathing at 16 but the damage was already done – too many years without a bikini top and this is the risk you run.

This evening, in the bath, I found a ‘new’ mole on my hip.  I know it’s new because I check my moles religiously.  I also know it’s not a ‘normal’ mole because I’ve educated myself and, well, experience has taught me what to look for.

Does it scare me?  A little maybe, but I’ll make an appointment with my GP tomorrow and I know that he will arrange to have it removed and sent away for testing, immediately.  Will I worry myself senseless waiting for the results?  Yes, but I know I’ve spotted it early and I know that this greatly reduces the risk.

So, why am I telling you all of this?  Well, mainly because the summer is coming and I want you all to be safe and aware.  I’m not going to get on a soap box but all I ask is that you educate yourselves and take comfort in the knowledge that your Doctor isn’t going to laugh at you if you ask him, or her, to take a look at any new mole or blemish or skin change you might find. 

Slap on the factor asbestos people, this summer is going to be a scorcher.

Hello, my name’s Sassy & I’m a foodaholic

I’ve noticed that the latest Weight Watchers adverts say that they now help (you) to look at the relationship you have with food and, in doing so, help to change old bad habits. It’s basically cognitive behaviour training.

Another ‘diet’ group I once attended offered CBT.  I didn’t think I had a huge problem with my relationship with food though that particular diet caused me to develop one!

In one session we looked at the lessons we learn (right or wrong) about food from our parents and how we carry these with us in to adulthood. How many times were you told that you couldn’t get down from the table until you’d cleared your plate? Or that you could have a ‘treat’ only if you were good? If you answered yes to either, now consider - do you still feel that you have to eat everything on your plate? Do you still consider certain food types as a treat only to be had when you’d been very good?

For my part I don’t remember any sayings like that as a child but I did have an exceptionally healthy upbringing - long before organic food, non-processed, GI diets became a fad I was waking up every day to a menu of fruit & cereal smoothies, brown bread/rice/pasta, lean organic meat and 8 or 9 portions of fruit & vegetables. Followed by a plethora of vitamin & mineral tablets, all washed down with a spoonful of cod liver oil. This was the 70s and multivitamins weren’t available so, if I remember correctly, the list went something like: 4 Brewers Yeast tablets (big brown things which caused massive gaseous burps and much hilarity), Vitamin A, C, B, D, zinc, kelp, iron, calcium etc etc etc.

Every day my Dad would say “Nobody fart or you’ll shoot the cat” and every day it was just as funny as the first time I’d heard it.

Of course I had ‘grass is greener’ issues and every day would be desperate to swap my boring brown bread; tuna & cucumber; no butter; no mayonnaise; healthy sandwich for another girls white bread, butter & ham ones. And everyone’s meals were always far more exciting than mine but when I mentioned this to my friend Sam she said that she always loved coming to my house for dinner because the food was so lovely and always tasted really nice. I guess it’s all a matter of perception isn’t it.

So, bearing in mind my healthy upbringing, how did I end up overweight? My Mum gave me the answer to that one with a highly embarassing story.  She told me about a time when I was 3 or 4 and we went to Butlins on holiday. At every meal, without fail, my brother and I would steal all the white bread off of the tables. And I do mean steal. Much to my parents horror we would literally take the bread off other diners plates and either shove it straight in our mouths or hide it in our pockets! That’s so bad isn’t it? God, the other diners must’ve thought we didn’t get fed at home - how awful must my Mum have felt about that? Think I owe my parents an apology!!!!

Of course I don’t steal food anymore but deep down I think I might still be that little girl who’s got to have all the rubbish food because there’s only good food to eat at home!

Danneel’s Defenders

Since my last blog I’m happy to report that the clone of my Twitter account has been shut down & I am led to believe that Twitter are ‘looking into’ the situation. What this means, in reality, I’m not sure but I like to think it will lead to some action being taken again the perpetrator or perpetrators.

Just looking back of the last few days of tweets it’s very clear to me that Danneel Harris’ fans really stepped up to the plate and helped to get mine & other cloned accounts shut down.  I am very grateful to everyone who reported & blocked & reported again.  Some cloned accounts have taken months to be shut down.  My clone was closed within just a few days.

Misha may have his minions but Danneel definitely has her defenders & you are all amazing.

My last blog had people wondering if I was pointing the finger at a Jensen fan & I just wanted to clarify that.  The back history on my blog was for those people who aren’t aware of the SPN world & the how a minute minority of Jensen’s fan base acts towards Danneel.  There’s no denying that some of the things which have been written about her on his IMDB board have equalled the poison spouted at her on Twitter.  Those people do profess to be Jensen fans & it’s because of them that I no longer read the message boards.

I’m not trying to be controversial here, or point fingers, I’m just stating my experience of some of the message boards.

I honestly have no idea if the person who’s been cloning the accounts is a fan or not.  What I do know is that they are very, very unwell.  Whilst I was in hospital this week  I met a wonderful woman who is a psychologist.  She was in the bed next to mine & so we spent some time discussing this ‘case’.  I could detail her analysis of this person but I’m not sure it would solve anything.  Until this person recognises they need help no amount of pointing it out to them will have any impact.

In the end all we can do is continue to stop giving this person (or people) a voice.  If we continue to identify, report & shut down these twitter accounts then perhaps we can limit the amount of venom & bile Danneel has to read.  I’m pretty sure they won’t get bored, or go away, but this is all about damage limitation.  Who knows, maybe Twitter will eventually gather enough information for a prosecution.  We can but hope.

Ps, if none of this makes sense I’m blaming the pain killers!

Dean : Demons I get. People are crazy

Attack Of The Clones

Every wished you had a clone?  I know I have, especially on those days when there seems to be just too much to do and not enough hours in the day.  Well, yesterday my wish came true when my Twitter account was cloned by a vile & wholly unpleasant individual.  In order to explain how this happened I need to give you a bit of a background history lesson – sorry about that.

I’m a fan of the TV show Supernatural and one of the actors is called Jensen Ackles (just in case you’re not familiar with the show. Oh & if you’re not, why not? It’s great TV)  Now Mr Ackles is a very good looking guy & he attracts some seriously fanatic followers.  His girlfriend is the very beautiful & very sweet Danneel Harris who is also an actress on a popular US TV show.  Unfortunately there are a large number of overly obsessive Jensen fans who, for whatever reason, don’t approve of that relationship & regularly attack Ms Harris on open forums.  Their language towards her is shocking and the derogatory terms they use are extraordinarily offensive.

Having said that, they are not as obsessive as one fan who goes by a variety of names but often refers to herself as Bianca Ware.  This person spouts such venom at Ms Harris & insists that Jensen Ackles is, in fact, married to one Stephanie Ware – a relative of hers.  She has even gone as far as creating fake magazine articles and will post her lies on every forum possible – until she gets shut down.  Just Google Jensen Ackles/Stephanie Ware & you’ll see what I mean.  Here’s a good explanation of the situation www.supernaturalwiki.com/index.php?title=Stephanie_Ware 

The shame in all this is that there really is a Stephanie Ware who has had to suffer her identity & name being used by this person and, as a result, been the brunt of abuse, by default, of those fans who want to defend Jensen.

So that’s the history and here’s where my part in all this comes into play.

On Saturday 26^th Sept, I reported  @lilianvivis to Twitter about her continuing abuse towards @DanneelHarris   Shortly afterwards I sent Ms Harris a message saying how sorry I was that people still continue to attack her and letting her know that I had reported this person. I did not, in that post, mention the name of the Twitter account I had reported.  Did I need to do this?  No but I’m not the type of person who just sits by and watches other people get attacked.  That’s just who I am.

 My message to Ms Harris then appeared on her 211 website twitter feed.

 Some hours later I received a rather unpleasant message from @PetiteRach69  basically telling me to report myself!  I commented on this on my own Twitter, responded to the message & blocked the user.  At this point, perhaps I should let you know that @PetiteRach69 is a cloned account.  There is a real @PetiteRach

I openly discussed the message I had received and the fact that the person who’d sent it to me was clearly in need of some help from mental health professionals.

Shortly after I received the following & first of several unpleasant messages Girl_In_A__Box:  @Girl_In_A_Box i have a surprise for you sassy! you’re messing with a wrong bitch! 

This crazy person had cloned my account.  Now when I say cloned I mean she had an exact replica of my home page, including my photograph and the personal information I’ve added to that.

She then went on to send a number of horrendous messages to me, at one point threatening my with physical harm and then going on to say that I was in fact dead having been raped with a piece of glass! 

After that she sent offensive messages to Ms Harris in my name and then proceeded to threaten two of my Twitter friends.

Clearly I wasn’t about to let that go so I blocked, reported, reported again & then asked all of my Twitter followers to do the same.  My Twitter family responded and you do not mess with them.  Cue very poor Samuel L Jackson impersonation - For they will strike down with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy their brothers/sisters.  

Within a couple of hours she had protected her tweets & that account seems to have gone quiet.  Now I just have to wait for Twitter to close it down.

Would I do anything differently, knowing the hassle it caused?  No.  I will still not tolerate abuse.  I will still pick fights which I may not win, if I feel the situation warrants it.  I will still defend people, even if they could probably defend themselves.

 This situation has taught me that I have THE most amazing Twitter family and I feel very sorry for those girls out there who still have their accounts cloned because the don’t have the same wonderful people supporting them.  If you’re reading this and you feel like you want to support & report then the current cloned accounts are:   @PetiteRach69  and  @gossip_girl_69

 Accounts still sending abusive messages to Ms Harris are:  @lilianvivis  and @biancawarereal

 If my evil twin happens to be reading this I have a little Attack Of The Clones quote for you:

 Yoda: Powerful you have become Dooku, the dark side I sense in you.
Count Dooku: I have become more powerful than any Jedi. Even you.
[Dooku shoots Sith lighting at Yoda who effortlessly deflects it away]
Yoda: Much to learn, you still have.